keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
