mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
