Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
