1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
