if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
