Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
