Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Houston, we have a squirter
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
