She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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