First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
