I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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