I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
