my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
