I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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