As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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