Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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