apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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