I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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