what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
