just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
