Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
