Will you blow on my dice?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
