Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
