oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
