i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
