i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
