Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
