New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He better not be in your backpack
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
