there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
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Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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