i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
