Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
