Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
