so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
