One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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