I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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