Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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