So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
