I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
