dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
