im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
