It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
