No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
