Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
