I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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