Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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