He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
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Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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