You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
