My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
