i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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