You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
