Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
