Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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