it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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