No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
