If i come over, it means nothing
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Green mimosas i think yes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
