he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
