i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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