I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
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If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize