oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
