how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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