We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
