You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
