that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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