So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
