I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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