Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
