I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
